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The desire to be reckless

A while back, my boss sat me down and told me that he was going through a divorce as he had an affair. It was a professional meeting and the statement was made very matter-of-factly.

I mulled over what he said for a few weeks before concluding that as he wasn’t Asian and hence should not be judged by the Asian standards. My sense of the situation was that the British does not associate the same values of devotion, sacrifice and loyalty to the partner and to the families. Hence neither party would consciously avoid having affairs; the Wife is just as likely to have an affair and end the marriage, and there would be no shame or regret, at least not in the Asian context. In this case, my boss just happened to have found happiness elsewhere… first.

While I understood why it happened for my boss, I used believed that I would reject affairs. Being brought up in an ultra conservative environment, and having watched numerous the third-party-is-the-bad-person dramas, I used to believe that I would never let my heart stray this way.

Which made the current situation unbearable.

I’ve met someone a few months ago in Singapore under a business setting.

He’s married.

We’ve only met once.

Due to business dealings we kept in touch.

But I’ve come to realise that we’ve been messaging each other a lot more than necessary for business.

In fact, he’s the first and last (and sometimes the only) person to message me each day.

The messages are friendly, funny and witty.

I enjoy chatting with him very much. We never seem to run out of things to say. We’re open and candid, the content are innocent and all above board.

However a few days ago, while reviewing what we’ve expressed, I’ve realised that my feelings for him are no longer platonic.

I do not know how he feels.

I rely on the belief that he does not feel for me, so as to make it ok for us to continue chatting like that.

Am glad of the physical distance between us.

Though there are days I wonder he should be told… just so that he can stop being nice to me..

The desire to be reckless… so as to stop the heart from sinning further…

 

 

 

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